Something Inside So Strong
By: Elder GraceLynn Avion Jae'El
Pictured: Author Elder GraceLynn Avion Jae'El
“The higher you build your barriers the taller I’ll become. The further you take my rights away the faster I will run…” I woke up early this Wednesday morning with a deep-seated hope for my people. After mulling over what message to bring on the eve of this ever-so-critical Transgender Day of Visibility, I awakened to the lyrics by Labi Siffre “...Deny my place in time, you squander wealth that's mine. My light will shine so brightly it will blind you.”
Arriving at this place of profound hope has been far from easy. I, too, wept hysterically for myself and my communities on the day after the election. January 20th was marked by me spending most of the day in bed under my “Ohana Means Family” blanket. Refusing to watch anything news-related that day, meant shrieking at the top of my lungs the following day when Kay, my therapist, broke the news of the executive orders.
With every article I read, I felt my hope dissipate more and more, and my heart sank deeper into the depths of despair. It felt like every part of my being had been fired upon overnight. As a child of GOD who is a Black American Woman that is notably Queer and Trans, it felt like I had been captured as a prisoner of political war. The first few weeks of the 47th President’s administration had me feeling like a sitting duck surrounded by the enemy waiting for someone to realize I was “one of them” and come put a bullet between my eyes.
It made going to work at my mostly conservatively populated supercenter a burdensome chore of walking around on eggshells, comically pitching my alto/baritone voice into a nasalized Soprano, using makeup like war paint, and headwraps and wigs as shields. The intense sadness was coupled with this void of loneliness that is still difficult to express in words. No matter where I was I never truly felt un-alone.
February came and I felt the beginning of the break of day as I celebrated my birthday. My only wish was that I wouldn’t cry on my special day. That wish was granted and I felt hope trying to spring back. That was until I received an official letter from the US State Department informing me that I would not be issued a passport nor would I have my birth certificate returned to me until they determined my “biological sex at birth”. As someone who has dreamed of world travel since she was in the first grade, this was a rather crushing blow. Que the further spiral, as depression ensued, I took a sabbatical from my church. I stopped accepting speaking engagements, and barely left my house or even changed out of my Stitch pajamas.
Then during my weekly conversation with my therapist, I was reminded of something the Bishop of my church had preached right before I took my leave. She had reminisced of a gathering with the legendary freedom fighter Angela Davis. Bishop told how Ms. Davis while giving her takes on current affairs, said four words that blew her soul wide open. She said, “Hope is a discipline.”
Scripture often teaches about hope. One of the most famous passages of the Bible is Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..” Often seen during graduation season on mugs, cards, and balloons these words have almost become cliche reminders of superficial Christianity.
However, when I studied the same passage from a different translation I found comfort more than a muggable motto could give. Jeremiah 29:11 in The Message reads, “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.”
In these times of chaotic fear, it can seem like there isn’t a greater plan at work. Too often we get so fixated on the residents of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue that we forget that there is still a power much higher at work. That power has bestowed upon us inalienable rights that can not be taken away by an executive order. These rights include life and hope. Our Creator has endowed us with the strength of H.O.P.E. (Holding Onto Perspective Everyday). Knowing the more they refuse to hear our collective voice the louder we owe it to ourselves to sing, because there's something inside so strong, and that strength is shown worldwide as our banners of Pink, White, and Blue yet wave.
